.\"	@(#)OSF.proposal	1.1	89/09/06
.if n \{\
.ND
.rm CH
.ll 7i
.nr LL 7i
.ad l
.\}
.HE
.nr PS 11
.nr VS 13
.nr LL 6i
.nr OI 0.5i
.in 0.5i
.ps 11p
.ti 4i
.nf

.LP
.nf
Ira Goldstein
11 Cambridge Center
Cambridge, MA 02142
.sp 1
.LP
.nf
Dr. Marshall Kirk McKusick
Computer Systems Research Group
Computer Science Division
Department of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science
University of California, Berkeley
Berkeley, CA 94720
.sp .5
+1-415-642-4948
.sp .5
email: mckusick@Berkeley.EDU
.sp 2
.LP
Dear Mr. Goldstein,
.PP
I am writing to you in my role as the head of operating
system and networking research for the \s-1UNIX\s0 project in the Computer
Science Division of the University of California, Berkeley, known as
the Computer Systems Research Group (\s-1CSRG\s0).
Current funding for \s-1CSRG\s0 is provided by the Defense Advanced
Research Projects Agency (\s-1DARPA\s0) via the National Institute for
Science and Technology (\s-1NIST\s0, formerly \s-1NBS\s0).
This funding will expire April 1, 1990.
By mutual agreement,
only minimal additional funding from \s-1DARPA\s0 is expected.
We are seeking alternative funding from other sources so that we
can continue our work at the university.
.PP
Our strategy is to get three sources of funding,
each of which would provide approximately one third of our annual budget.
Annual grants on the order of $400,000 would provide roughly
a third of the budget needed by \s-1CSRG\s0
for salaries and benefits, maintenance and network access fees,
travel and other expenses.
We have just recently secured funding from Hewlett-Packard
for a third of our budget for next fiscal year.
We are interested in seeking funding from other organizations and
computer companies that use our system.
I hope that \s-1OSF\s0 would be interested in being such an organization.
.PP
I am enclosing a description of our current projects
along with a summary of our current operating budget.
For your convenience, I am providing a brief summary
of this paper in this letter.
.PP
The goal of the \s-1CSRG\s0 project
is to use leading edge research ideas in a stable and reliable
implementation that solves current problems in operating systems research.
The project also includes incorporation of network protocols and other
subsystems into the operating system while maintaining consistency
with the existing system call interface.
The resulting system is widely used by other
researchers in operating systems and network protocols.
The most recent two releases, \s-14.2BSD\s0
and \s-14.3BSD\s0, provide the
core of the standard networking and/or operating system software for
essentially all vendors of \s-1UNIX\s0-based workstations and minicomputers.
\s-14.3BSD\s0-based network support will be included in the next systems to
be released by both \s-1OSF\s0 and \s-1AT&T\s0.
.PP
\s-1CSRG\s0 includes three full-time research staff (Mike Karels,
Keith Bostic, and myself), one three-quarter-time programmer on loan
from another group (Keith Sklower), and one software engineer
currently on loan from Digital Equipment Corporation (Marc Teitelbaum).
In addition, two full-time administrative and secretarial people
handle licensing and software distribution as well as office support.
.PP
\s-1CSRG\s0 anticipates that its next major release, tentatively called
\s-14.4BSD\s0, will be completed and begin shipment towards the end
of next year.
The file system interface
will be extended to allow greater flexibility and performance, and a
public-domain version of \s-1NFS\s0 is expected to be included.
The new system integrates an implementation of the
\s-1ISO OSI\s0 networking protocols into the existing
socket interface and internal network architecture.
This work will include a revised internal network
architecture incorporating the best features of both the existing
socket support and the ``streams'' layering of the Ninth Edition
research version of \s-1UNIX\s0.
Both file system and networking interfaces
improve upon previous work with better support for caching in layered
architectures.
These caching techniques are based on work done by Van
Jacobson at the Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory, and will be fully
exploited by the \s-1TCP/IP\s0 networking protocols.
The applicability of
these techniques in the \s-1OSI\s0 protocol suite will be investigated as
well.
.PP
The system will also include an \s-1IEEE\s0 P1003.1 \s-1(POSIX)\s0 standard
operating system interface integrated with the existing system
interface in such a way that both interfaces are fully supported and
interoperate fully.
Finally, the system is expected to include a new
virtual memory system derived from that of the
public domain portion of the Mach operating system
from \s-1CMU\s0 and incorporated into \s-14.3BSD\s0 by the University of Utah.
We expect that the products of this work will become the interfaces and
implementations of choice for other operating systems and networking
researchers in the near future.
.sp 2
.in +1.5i
Sincerely,
.sp .65i
Dr. Marshall Kirk McKusick
.in -1.5i
.sp 2
.nf
cc:	Mike Karels
.fi
.sp
MKM/tl

#
#  Aliases in this file will NOT be expanded in the header from
#  Mail, but WILL be visible over networks or from /bin/mail.
#
#	>>>>>>>>>>	The program "newaliases" must be run after
#	>> NOTE >>	this file is updated for any changes to
#	>>>>>>>>>>	show through to sendmail.
#

# Basic system aliases -- these MUST be present
MAILER-DAEMON: postmaster
postmaster: root

root:
manager:
dumper:
operator:

# OFFICIAL CSRG/BUG ADDRESSES

# FTP BUG ADDRESS
ftp-bugs: bigbug@ucbvax.berkeley.edu

# DISTRIBUTION PERSON
bsd-dist: bsd-dist@ucbvax.berkeley.edu

# FORTUNE
fortune: fortune@ucbvax.berkeley.edu

# TERMCAP
termcap: bigbug@ucbvax.berkeley.edu

# BUG PERSON
ucb-fixes: bigbug@ucbvax.berkeley.edu
ucb-fixes-request: bigbug@ucbvax.berkeley.edu
bugs: bugs@ucbvax.berkeley.edu
# END OFFICIAL BUG ADDRESSES

0,15,30,45 * * * *	root /usr/libexec/atrun
00 1 * * *	daemon	/usr/new/lib/news/daily
0 0 * * *	uucp	/usr/local/lib/uucp.daily
7 5,12,18 * * *	uucp	/usr/local/lib/uucp.6hours
0 2 * * *	root	/bin/sh /etc/daily 2>&1 | tee /var/log/daily.out | mail karels
30 3 * * 6	root	/bin/sh /etc/weekly >/var/log/weekly.out 2>&1
30 5 1 * *	root	/bin/sh /etc/monthly >/var/log/monthly.out 2>&1
0 2 * * *	root	/bin/sh /etc/daily 2>&1 | tee /var/log/daily.out | mail -s "daily output" root
30 3 * * 6	root	/bin/sh /etc/weekly 2>&1 | tee /var/log/weekly.out | mail -s "weekly output" root
30 5 1 * *	root	/bin/sh /etc/monthly 2>&1 | tee /var/log/monthly.out | mail -s "monthlyoutput" root

#!/bin/sh -
#
#	@(#)monthly	5.2 (Berkeley) 04/17/89
#	@(#)monthly	5.3 (Berkeley) 09/06/89
#

host=`hostname -s`
echo "Subject: $host monthly run output"

# echo ""
# echo "Doing login accounting:"
# ac -p | sort -nr +1

echo ""
echo "Rotating wtmp files:"
cd /var/account
cd /var/log
if [ -f wtmp.5 ]; then mv -f wtmp.5 wtmp.6; fi
if [ -f wtmp.4 ]; then mv -f wtmp.4 wtmp.5; fi
if [ -f wtmp.3 ]; then mv -f wtmp.3 wtmp.4; fi
if [ -f wtmp.2 ]; then mv -f wtmp.2 wtmp.3; fi
if [ -f wtmp.1 ]; then mv -f wtmp.1 wtmp.2; fi
if [ -f wtmp.0 ]; then mv -f wtmp.0 wtmp.1; fi
mv -f wtmp   wtmp.0
cp /dev/null wtmp

#
#	@(#)rc	5.6 (Berkeley) 08/28/89
#	@(#)rc	5.7 (Berkeley) 09/05/89
#

HOME=/; export HOME
PATH=/sbin:/bin:/usr/sbin:/usr/bin
export PATH

if [ -r /fastboot ]

	*)
		echo "Unknown error in reboot" > /dev/console
		exit 1
		;;
	esac
fi

swapon -a						>/dev/console 2>&1

umount -a
: >/etc/mtab
swapon -a						>/dev/console 2>&1
mount -a						>/dev/console 2>&1
mount -a						>/dev/console 2>&1

# clean up left-over files
rm -f /etc/nologin
rm -f /usr/spool/uucp/LCK.*
rm -f /usr/spool/uucp/STST/*
(cd /var/run; rm -rf *)

# set hostname, turn on network
. /etc/netstart

echo 'starting system logger'	>/dev/console
echo 'starting system logger'				>/dev/console
rm -f /dev/log
syslogd

# /var/crash should be a directory or a symbolic link
# to the crash directory if core dumps are to be saved.
if [ -d /var/crash ]; then
	echo 'checking for core dump... '	>/dev/console
 	savecore /var/crash			>/dev/console 2>&1
	echo 'checking for core dump... '		>/dev/console
 	savecore /var/crash				>/dev/console 2>&1
fi

# clean up left-over files
rm -f /etc/nologin
rm -f /usr/spool/uucp/LCK.*
rm -f /usr/spool/uucp/STST/*
(cd /var/run; rm -rf *)

			echo -n 'checking quotas:'	>/dev/console
quotacheck -a -p					>/dev/console 2>&1
			echo ' done.'			>/dev/console
quotaon -a

# build ps data base
ps -U							>/dev/console 2>&1

*.err;kern.debug;auth.notice;mail.crit		/dev/console
*.notice;kern.debug;lpr,auth.info;mail.crit	/var/log/messages
mail.info					/var/log/maillog
lpr.info					/var/log/lpd-errs
uucp.info					/var/spool/uucp/ERRORS
*.err						root
*.notice;auth.debug				root
*.alert						root
*.emerg						*

#
# Copyright (c) 1988 Regents of the University of California.
# All rights reserved.
#
# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms are permitted
# provided that the above copyright notice and this paragraph are
# duplicated in all such forms and that any documentation, advertising
# materials, and other materials related to such redistribution and
# use acknowledge that the software was developed by the University
# of California, Berkeley.  The name of the University may not be
# used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
# without specific prior written permission.  THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED
# ``AS IS'' AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING,
# WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY AND
# FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
#
# @(#)Makefile	5.1 (Berkeley) 09/05/89
#

CFLAGS=	-O
LIBC=	/lib/libc.a
SRCS=	caesar.c
OBJS=
MAN=	caesar.0

all: caesar

caesar: ${LIBC}
	${CC} -o $@ ${CFLAGS} $@.c -lm

clean:
	rm -f ${OBJS} core caesar

cleandir: clean
	rm -f ${MAN} tags .depend

depend: ${SRCS}
	mkdep -p ${CFLAGS} ${SRCS}

install: ${MAN}
	install -s -o bin -g bin -m 755 caesar ${DESTDIR}/usr/games
	install -c -o bin -g bin -m 444 ${MAN} ${DESTDIR}/usr/man/cat6
	rm -f ${DESTDIR}/usr/man/cat6/rot13
	ln ${DESTDIR}/usr/man/cat6/${MAN} ${DESTDIR}/usr/man/cat6/rot13.0

lint: ${SRCS}
	lint ${CFLAGS} ${SRCS}

tags: ${SRCS}
	ctags ${SRCS}

/*
 * Copyright (c) 1989 The Regents of the University of California.
 * All rights reserved.
 *
 * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
 * Rick Adams.
 *
 * Authors:
 *	Stan King, John Eldridge, based on algorithm suggested by
 *	Bob Morris
 * 29-Sep-82
 *
 * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms are permitted
 * provided that the above copyright notice and this paragraph are
 * duplicated in all such forms and that any documentation,
 * advertising materials, and other materials related to such
 * distribution and use acknowledge that the software was developed
 * by the University of California, Berkeley.  The name of the
 * University may not be used to endorse or promote products derived
 * from this software without specific prior written permission.
 * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED ``AS IS'' AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR
 * IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED
 * WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
 */

#ifndef lint
char copyright[] =
"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989 The Regents of the University of California.\n\
 All rights reserved.\n";
#endif /* not lint */

#ifndef lint
static char sccsid[] = "@(#)caesar.c	5.3 (Berkeley) 09/05/89";
#endif /* not lint */

#include <math.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <ctype.h>
#include <unistd.h>

#define	LINELENGTH	2048
#define	ROTATE(ch, perm) \
	isupper(ch) ? ('A' + (ch - 'A' + perm) % 26) : \
	    islower(ch) ? ('a' + (ch - 'a' + perm) % 26) : ch

/*
 * letter frequencies (taken from some unix(tm) documentation)
 * (unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories)
 */
double stdf[26] = {
	7.97, 1.35, 3.61, 4.78, 12.37, 2.01, 1.46, 4.49, 6.39, 0.04,
	0.42, 3.81, 2.69, 5.92,  6.96, 2.91, 0.08, 6.63, 8.77, 9.68,
	2.62, 0.81, 1.88, 0.23,  2.07, 0.06,
};

main(argc, argv)
	int argc;
	char **argv;
{
	extern int errno;
	register int ch, dot, i, nread, winnerdot;
	register char *inbuf;
	int obs[26], try, winner;
	char *malloc(), *strerror();

	if (argc > 1)
		printit(argv[1]);

	if (!(inbuf = malloc(LINELENGTH))) {
		(void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: out of memory.\n");
		exit(1);
	}

	/* adjust frequency table to weight low probs REAL low */
	for (i = 0; i < 26; ++i)
		stdf[i] = log(stdf[i]) + log(26.0 / 100.0);

	/* zero out observation table */
	bzero(obs, 26 * sizeof(int));

	if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
		(void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
		exit(1);
	}
	for (i = nread; i--;) {
		ch = inbuf[i];
		if (islower(ch))
			++obs[ch - 'a'];
		else if (isupper(ch))
			++obs[ch - 'A'];
	}

	/*
	 * now "dot" the freqs with the observed letter freqs
	 * and keep track of best fit
	 */
	for (try = winner = 0; try < 26; ++try) { /* += 13) { */
		dot = 0;
		for (i = 0; i < 26; i++)
			dot += obs[i] * stdf[(i + try) % 26];
		/* initialize winning score */
		if (try == 0)
			winnerdot = dot;
		if (dot > winnerdot) {
			/* got a new winner! */
			winner = try;
			winnerdot = dot;
		}
	}

	for (;;) {
		for (i = 0; i < nread; ++i) {
			ch = inbuf[i];
			putchar(ROTATE(ch, winner));
		}
		if (nread < LINELENGTH)
			break;
		if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
			(void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
			exit(1);
		}
	}
	exit(0);
}

printit(arg)
	char *arg;
{
	register int ch, rot;

	if ((rot = atoi(arg)) < 0) {
		(void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: bad rotation value.\n");
		exit(1);
	}
	while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF)
		putchar(ROTATE(ch, rot));
	exit(0);
}

# by the University of California, Berkeley.  The name of the
# University may not be used to endorse or promote products derived
# from this software without specific prior written permission.
# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED ``AS IS'' AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR
# IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED
# WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
#
#	@(#)Makefile	5.9 (Berkeley) 07/30/89
#	@(#)Makefile	5.10 (Berkeley) 09/05/89
#
CFLAGS=	-O
LIBC=	/lib/libc.a
LIBS=	-lcurses -ltermlib
HDRS=	cribbage.h deck.h cribcur.h
SRCS=	extern.c crib.c support.c cards.c score.c io.c
OBJS=	extern.o crib.o support.o cards.o score.o io.o

depend: ${SRCS}
	mkdep ${CFLAGS} ${SRCS}

install: ${MAN}
	install -o games -g bin -m 400 crib.instr ${DESTDIR}/usr/games/lib/crib.instr
	install -s -o games -g bin -m 4700 cribbage ${DESTDIR}/usr/games/hide
	(cd ${DESTDIR}/usr/games; rm -f cribbage; ln -s dm cribbage; chown games.bin cribbage)
	install -c -o bin -g bin -m 444 ${MAN} ${DESTDIR}/usr/games/cat6
	(cd ${DESTDIR}/usr/games; rm -f cribbage; ln -s dm cribbage; \
	    chown games.bin cribbage)
	install -c -o bin -g bin -m 444 ${MAN} ${DESTDIR}/usr/man/cat6

lint: ${SRCS}
	lint ${CFLAGS} ${SRCS}

tags: ${SRCS}
	ctags ${SRCS}

Warning:
Warning:	The fortunes contained in the fortune database have
		been collected haphazardly from a caphony of sources,
		in number so huge it boggles the mind.  It is
	The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been
	collected haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so
	huge it boggles the mind.  It is impossible to do any
		impossible to do any meaningful quality control on
		attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the
		quote.  Since this database is not used for profit, and
		since entire works are not published, it falls under
		fair use, as we understand it.  However, if any
		half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of this,
		they will need to double check it all, and nobody not
		involved of such an effort makes any warranty that
		anything in here bears any relation to the real world
		of literature, law, or other bizzarrity.
	meaningful quality control on attributions, or lack thereof, or
	exactness of the quote.  Since this database is not used for
	profit, and since entire works are not published, it falls
	under fair use, as we understand it.  However, if any
	half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of this, they
	will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved of
	such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
	bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or
	other bizzarrity.

This file describes the format for fortunes in the database.  This is
done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things.  Any rule
given here may be broken to make a better joke.

[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]

Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,

	(1)	Everything depends.
	(2)	Nothing is always.
	(3)	Everything is sometimes.

Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
lines.  Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, .e.g,
lines.  Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,

	$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
	which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
			-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,

			-- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
			   line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"

Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented)
paragraphs unless they fall into another category listed below (see
examle above).  Longer fortunes should also be in left justified
example above).  Longer fortunes should also be in left justified
paragraphs, but if this makes it too long, try indented paragraphs,
with indentations of either one tab stop or 5 chars.  Indentations of
less than 5 are too hard to read.

Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a
colon, with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop,
initially capitalized, e.g.,

Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a
grave accent.  Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the
underlines preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".

No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without
good justification (er, no pun intended).  And no right margin
justification, either.  Sorry.
justification, either.  Sorry.  For BSD people, there is a program
called "fmt" which can make this kind of formatting easier.

Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed
by the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon.  The definition
starts indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified,
e.g.,

	Afternoon, n.:
		That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
	morning.

Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make
more sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
communication, e.g,
communication, e.g.,

	"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
	sane."

Elipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to
puncuation, and are three dots, unless there is a good reason not to.
Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to
punctuation, and are three dots long.
(In fact, all these rules can be broken if they make a good joke.)

	"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
			-- Mark Twain

Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T.
Barnum", not "P.T. Barnum".  However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".

	again.  People think you are stupid.

Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes.  Not
even single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g.,
don't say ``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there".
However, you *can* say "I said, `hi there'".

A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it
fit on a screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all
possible):
A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit
on a screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible)
(numbers here are stanza numbers):

	11111111111111111111
	11111111111111111111
	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
	11111111111111111111			22222222222222222222
						22222222222222222222
	33333333333333333333			22222222222222222222
	33333333333333333333
	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
	33333333333333333333			44444444444444444444
						44444444444444444444
						44444444444444444444

Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
offensive, into the files "obscene" and "scene", respectively.
Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
should *not* go into "scene".  Also, anything which would only get on
if some discredited kind of guy said it should *not* go in scene.
Fortunes containing "shit", "fuck", "cock" (not the male version of a
chicken, obviously, but "penis"), "cunt", "pussy", and such like are
*obscene*.  Political opinions are supposed to be in "obscene", too.
Antyhing which is blatantly racist, mysoginist, or homophobic, should
not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you* are
racist, mysoginist, or homophobic.
chicken, obviously, but the slang for penis), "cunt", "pussy", and such
like are "obscene".  Political opinions are supposed to be in
"obscene", too.  Anything which assumes as a world view blatantly
racist, mysogynist, or homophobic ideas should not be in either, since
they are not really funny unless *you* are racist, mysogynist, or
homophobic.

The point of this is that people have should have a reasonable
expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be
offended.  We know that some people take offense at anything, but
normal people do have opinions, too, and have a right not to have their
sensibilities offended by a program which is supposed to be
entertaining.  People who run "fortune -o" or "fortune -a" are saying,
in effect, that they are willing to have their sensibilities tweaked.
However, they should not have their personal worth seriously (i.e., not
in jest) assaulted.  Jokes which depend for their humor on racist,
mysogynist (sexist), or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously assault
individual personal worth, and in an general entertainment medium we
should be able to get by without it.

			-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%%
%
			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%%
%
			*** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
%%
%
			DELETE A FORTUNE!

Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.
%%
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

7:	The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail
	light but a steady left tail light.  This means

	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
	(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
%%
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

8:	Pedestrians are

	(a) irrelevant.
	(b) communists.
	(c) a nuisance.
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%%
%
		        Has your family tried 'em?

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
		     stains that indicate freshness.
%%
%
		      THE STORY OF CREATION
			       or
			 THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt ...
		-- Rico Tudor
%%
%
		     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
			  by Mark Isaak

	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some

there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...
%%
%
		A Severe Strain on the Credulity

As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device.  It is when one
considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
%%
%
		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%%
%
		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%%
%
		Another Glitch in the Call
		------- ------ -- --- ----
	(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

	Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:
	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
	All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
%%
%
		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

1.  None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
2.  Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3.  I don't know.
4.  Who cares?
5.  6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
6.  There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
    Papyrus Books).
%%
%
		DETERIORATA

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

	You are a fluke of the universe ...
	You have no right to be here.
	Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
	Is laughing behind your back.
		-- National Lampoon
%%
%
		Gimmie That Old Time Religion
We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
	(chorus)				(chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
	(chorus)

CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
	Give me that old time religion,
	Give me that old time religion,
	'Cause it's good enough for me!
%%
%
		MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
Saturday night.  The match started with a long period of silence while
the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
paraphrase.  The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
their anal-retentive personalities.  At this the Rogerians' star player
said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka."  This started a
fight and the match was called by officials.
%%
%
		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1.  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
    bomb; use the stairs.
2.  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
    the ground.
3.  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4.  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
    psychological problems.
5.  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognize
    foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
    shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6.  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
    be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7.  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8.  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
    staggering illegally.
9.  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
    sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
    D-Day.
%%
%
		The STAR WARS Song
	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
%%
%
		'Twas the Night before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
	Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
%%
%
		William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
%%
%
		(to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
Scratch the disks, dump the core,	Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor,	Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits.		Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits		Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.	And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found			Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down,		And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash.	And the tape drives will crumble
						in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun,			When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run			Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash.	The system is going to crash.
%%
%
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%%
%
	... This striving for excellence extends into people's
personal lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
Eighties people buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking
soda.  If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
not an excellent restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
Liza Minnelli.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%%
%
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%%
%
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
architect."
	The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%%
%
	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
	"If what?" asked the composer.
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%%
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%%
%
	AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again.  People think you are stupid.
%%
%
	ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
%%
%
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%%
%
	CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
%%
%
	CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
%%
%
	COMMENT

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
%
	Deck Us All With Boston Charlie

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
		-- Walt Kelly
%%
%
	"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all
sorts of marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got
a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
blessed.
		-- Randy Davis
%%
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a
red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a
shot at mine, over there."
%%
%
	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%%
%
	FIGHTING WORDS

Say my love is easy had,
	Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
	Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
	Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
	Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
	And I get me another man!
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
%
	Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
	Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
	Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.
	Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

	You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
%%
%
	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."

	"Whose?"

	"MINE! HA-HA!"
%%
%
	GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
%%
%
	GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
%%
%
	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
	"Only to ten, Mudhead."

			-- Firesign Theater
%%
%
	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
month.  According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
tadpole".
	Bite the wax tadpole.
	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
bite a wax tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
		-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
%%
%
	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
	"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:

	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
%%
%
	"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't--
till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
you!'"
	"But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
less."
	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
that's all."
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%%
%
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%%
%
	INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
%%
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
expression on his face.
	Comes along a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.

The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%%
%
	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your
parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all
to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will
have to act like mature human beings ...
		-- Playboy, January 1983
%%
%
	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%%
%
	LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
%%
%
	LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%%
%
	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
whatsoever.  They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
Lassie filed the applications for.
		-- Dave Barry
%%
%
	Love's Drug

My love is like an iron wand 
	That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium 
	That I take before me bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch 
	That I drink when i be dry;
And I shall love thee still my dear,
	Until my wife is wise.
%%
%
	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
	"This is crazy!"  Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!"  Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%%
%
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
great crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But
one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
going.  I shall let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I
shall die of boredom."

"See a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the
Messiah, come to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current
said, "I am no more Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us
free, if only we dare let go.  Our true work is this voyage, this
adventure.
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
%%
%
	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
years ago.  Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple
language, easy to understand, easy to get started with.  It's great for
students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
interchanging programs between different machines.  And so, because of
its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have good UNIX on
VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With
VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
documentation -- if you look long enough it's there.  That's the
difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
is that it's all there.
		-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
%%
%
	PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
%%
%
	"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
%
	SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
%%
%
	SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
%%
%
	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated
thoughtfully.  "An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY
advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
	"Too proud?" the other enquired.
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
		-- Lewis Carroll
%%
%
	TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
%%
%
	THE WOMBAT

The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
%%
%
	THEORY
Into love and out again,
	Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
	Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
	All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
	Someone dropped me on my head?
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
%
	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
no need to improve ...
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%%
%
	The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."

	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"

	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
%%
%
	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the
Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
it.  The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
apparatus for a spectator sport.

	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."

	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.

	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
		-- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%%
%
	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
	Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
than he does.
	As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
it.  I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
sane.  But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is
being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
	The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can
do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
honor.  From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
Thompson's disease.  I don't have it this morning.  It comes and goes.
This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
		   from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
		   and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
%%
%
	To A Quick Young Fox:
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
Zow!  Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
		-- Lazy Dog
%%
%
	VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
%%
%
	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past
year strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley
reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
artichoke hearts.  There has been a hot day in December and a blue
moon.  Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen.  The earth splits and the
entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots.  The face of the
sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."

	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.

	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
good copy."
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%%
%
	We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it." But he was

	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition
%%
%
	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%%
%
	"What's that thing?"
	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
		-- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
%%
%
	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
	In a way, the next move is up to him.
		-- R. A. Lafferty
%%
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen!"
		-- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
%
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man
		-- A. E. Housman
%%
%
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
them is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the
existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
is beyond the scope of this article.)
%%
%
... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%%
%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
%%
%
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to
get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
children emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
to love him, then melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
outcast by the other reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does
he ignore the deformity?  Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks
Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
kind of headlight with legs and a tail.  So unless you want your
children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
quickly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%%
%
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday
shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
shopping bag.  If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%%
%
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
		-- J. B. White
%%
%
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%
%
(1)	Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2)	Great generals are forewarned.
(3)	Forewarned is forearmed.
(4)	Four is an even number.
(5)	Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6)	The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%%
%
(1)	Everything depends.
(2)	Nothing is always.
(3)	Everything is sometimes.
%%
%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
	(2)  Dead cat brush
	(3)  Hair barrettes
	(4)  Cleats
	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
	(6)  Fungus trellis
	(7)  False eyelashes
	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        .
        .
        .
	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
	(100) Killer velcro
	101. Currency
%%
%
186,282 miles per second:

It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
%%
%
$3,000,000
%%
%
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!
%%
%
43rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%%
%
77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant

------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9)	the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
--- --- (8)	to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.

Nine in the second place means:
	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.

Six in the third place means:
	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
	Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
%%
%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%%
%
A CONS is an object which cares.
		-- Bernie Greenberg.
%%
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
%%
%
A Law of Computer Programming:
	Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
	will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%%
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%%
%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%%
%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
		-- Don Quinn
%%
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
		-- Everett McKinley Dirksen
%%
%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%%
%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%%
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%%
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%%
%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
%%
%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%%
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%%
%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
		-- Herbert Prochnow
%%
%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%%
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
	But this output can be
	No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
		-- Gigo
%%
%
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%%
%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
		-- Ben Franklin
%%
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
	She was not oversexed,
	Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%%
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%%
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%%
%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
%%
%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
%%
%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
%%
%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
%
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%%
%
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"  Very earnestly, the
Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed
the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously
hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual.
The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
%%
%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%%
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
%%
%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
		-- D. Gries
%%
%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).
%%
%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
		-- William James
%%
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%%
%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
		-- Gopete Sherany
%%
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%%
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%%
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
by being declared to work.
		-- Anatol Holt
%%
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
	But the good ones I've seen
	So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%%
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.  Buy the negatives at any
price.
%%
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
		-- Lew Col
%%
%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane
%%
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%%
%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%%
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%%
%
A new koan:

	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.

	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.

It is an ice cream koan.
%%
%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%%
%
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
%%
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%%
%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
%%
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
		-- George Wald
%%
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%%
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?

And he answered:

It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.

It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.

It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.

And that is Fate?  said the priest.

Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.

That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was
too.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%%
%
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
%%
%
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
%%
%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
%%
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects ...
%%
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%%
%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
		-- Prof. Steiner
%%
%
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
		-- O'Henry
%%
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
%%
%
A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by
its author.
		-- S. C. Johnson
%%
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%%
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%%
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%%
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
		-- Tenessee Williams
%%
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
	The system, you see,
	Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%%
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%%
%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
		-- Voltaire
%%
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
%%
%
A.A.A.A.A.:
	An organization for drunks who drive
%%
%
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
%%
%
ADA, n.:
	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
awareness."
%%
%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%%
%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%%
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%%
%
Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%%
%
Absentee, n.:
	A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Abstainer, n.:
	A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Absurdity, n.:
	A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Accident, n.:
	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
%%
%
Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
%%
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%%
%
Accordion, n.:
	A bagpipe with pleats.
%%
%
Accuracy, n.:
	The vice of being right
%%
%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%%
%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
%%
%
Acquaintance, n.:
	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
enough to lend to.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
%%
%
Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
	everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of
	it!"
%%
%
Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%%
%
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
like you ..."
		--- Gilda Radner
%%
%
Adore, v.:
	To venerate expectantly.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Adult, n.:
	One old enough to know better.
%%
%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted
many important electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi
Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.  Galvani's discovery led
to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.  Today,
skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%%
%
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
quotations.
		-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
%%
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke
%%
%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%%
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
%%
%
Afternoon, n.:
	That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%%
%
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
change.
%%
%
Air is water with holes in it
%%
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
		-- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%%
%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
%%
%
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
	You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
%%
%
Alex Haley was adopted!
%%
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%%
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
		-- Peggy Joyce
%%
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%%
%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
%%
%
"All flesh is grass"
		-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
%%
%
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
%%
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%%
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
every organism to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler
%%
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
		-- E. Rutherford
%%
%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%%
%
All the world's a VAX,
And all the coders merely butchers;
They have their exits and their entrails;
And one int in his time plays many widths,
His sizeof being N bytes.  At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
Unwillingly to school.
		-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
%%
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
		-- Sean O'Casey
%%
%
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
%%
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%%
%
All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
you.  Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
in the Sears menswear department dress.  Now look at the real
successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on.  They
all dress funny -- and they all succeed.  Are you catching on?
		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%%
%
Alliance, n.:
	In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Alone, adj.:
	In bad company.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
%%
%
Ambidextrous, adj.:
	Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%%
%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
		-- John O'Hara
%%
%
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
changed its name to "America".
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
%%
%
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
%%
%
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
		-- A. P. Herbert
%%
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%%
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%%
%
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
excellence:

"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch
parts or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a
timeless statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who
doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
school.  Because of his acne.  People who are probably nowhere near as
successful as he is now.  Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.  Hahahahahahahahaha."
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%%
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%%
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%%
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%%
%
And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%%
%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Leher
%%
%
Ankh if you love Isis.
%%
%
Anoint, v.:
	To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
%
Anthony's Law of Force:
	Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%%
%
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
	Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
	corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
	On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
	your toes.
%%
%
Antonym, n.:
	The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%%
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe
%%
%
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
		-- Aesop
%%
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.
%%
%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
%%
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
%%
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%%
%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%%
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%%
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%%
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
%%
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%%
%
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%%
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%%
%
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
%
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
%
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
%%
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%%
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%%
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%%
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
%%
%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
%%
%
Aquadextrous, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
with your toes.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
		-- Mickey Mouse
%%
%
Armadillo:
	To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
%%
%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
	(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
	(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
	(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
	    first two laws.
%%
%
Arthur's Laws of Love:
	(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
	    remind them of someone else.
	(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
	    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
	    of yourself in person.
%%
%
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
%%
%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
%%
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
%%
%
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
%%
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
		-- Weisert
%%
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%%
%
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
		--- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
		    computer system.
%%
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.
		-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%%
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%%
%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
%%
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%%
%
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
for an answer.
%%
%
Ass, n.:
	The masculine of "lass".
%%
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
		-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%%
%
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
%%
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
%%
%
Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
%
Automobile, n.:
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
%%
%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%%
%
BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
%%
%
BLISS is ignorance
%%
%
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the
	    outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
		-- Jay Ward
%%
%
Bacchus, n.:
	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Bagdikian's Observation:
	Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
	newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
	on a ukelele.
%%
%
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
	by governors.
%%
%
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%%
%
Barach's Rule:
	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
	physician.
%%
%
Barometer, n.:
	An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
are having.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Barth's Distinction:
	There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
	types, and those who don't.
%%
%
Baruch's Observation:
	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
%%
%
Basic, n.:
	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
%%
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
door.
%%
%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
Be different: conform.
%%
%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%%
%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
%
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
%%
%
Beifeld's Principle:
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
	receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
	he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
	a better looking and richer male friend.
%%
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%%
%
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
		-- Time Bandits
%%
%
Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
  club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%%
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
		-- Leonard Brandwein
%%
%
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
		-- Donald Knuth
%%
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%%
%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
%%
%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%%
%
Binary, adj.:
	Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
%%
%
Bipolar, adj.:
	Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
New York
%%
%
Birth, n.:
	The first and direst of all disasters.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
%%
%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
%%
%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%%
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.
%%
%
Boling's postulate:
	If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%%
%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
	vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%%
%
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%%
%
Boob's Law:
	You always find something in the last place you look.
%%
%
Bore, n.:
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Boren's Laws:
	(1) When in charge, ponder.
	(2) When in trouble, delegate.
	(3) When in doubt, mumble.
%%
%
Boss, n.:
	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
%%
%
Boston, n.:
	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
%%
%
Boy, n.:
	A noise with dirt on it.
%%
%
Bradley's Bromide:
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
	committee -- that will do them in.
%%
%
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
	Ranger have handled this?"
%%
%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%%
%
Brain, n.:
	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
error in an opponent.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Bride, n.:
	A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
%%
%
British Israelites:
	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
the hand of the Arabs.  They also believe that if you sleep with your
head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Broad-mindedness, n.:
	The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%%
%
Brooke's Law:
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
	expands it beyond recognition.
%%
%
Brook's Law:
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
%%
%
Bubble Memory, n.:
	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".
%%
%
Bucy's Law:
	Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%%
%
Bug:
	Small living things that small living boys throw on small
living girls.
%%
%
Bug, n.:
	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
		-- Ray Simard
%%
%
Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
%%
%
Bureaucrat, n.:
	A politician who has tenure.
%%
%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
		   Compilers"
%%
%
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
		-- Hilaire Belloc
%%
%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
		-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
%%
%
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
increases.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
%
"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What is a
kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?  Have I
explained yet about the bytes?"
%%
%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?"
%%
%
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
%%
%
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
%%
%
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact,
it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
invent. (R. Emerson)"
		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
		   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
		   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
		   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
%%
%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
%
C, n.:
	A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
today, or it isn't.
		-- Ray Simard
%%
%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%%
%
Cabbage, n.:
	A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Cahn's Axiom:
	When all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
		-- Fred Allen
%%
%
California, n.:
	From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
		-- Ed Moran
%%
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb
%%
%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missle sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
%%
%
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%%
%
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
%
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
	A .44 magnum beats four aces.
%%
%
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
		   Post
%%
%
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
	the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%%
%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
%%
%
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
	The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
%
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%%
%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
%%
%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
%%
%
Cerebus:	I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:		Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:	If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
		out of it?
Jaka:		Ugh!
Cerebus:	You don't like apricot brandy?
		-- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
%%
%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
	Did you ever try buying then without money?
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
%
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
%%
%
Chemicals, n.:
	Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
%%
%
Chicago, n.:
	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%%
%
Chicken Little was right.
%%
%
Chicken Soup, n.:
	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%%
%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%%
%
Chism's Law of Completion:
	The amount of time required to complete a government project is
	precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
%%
%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
	When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%%
%
Christ:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%%
%
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
	time he will pick himself up and continue on.
%%
%
Cigarette, n.:
	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
between.
%%
%
Cinemuck, n.:
	The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
covers the floors of movie theaters.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%%
%
"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%%
%
Cleveland still lives.  God ____must be dead.
%%
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%%
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Cold, adj.:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%%
%
Cold, adj.:
	When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
pockets.
%%
%
Collaboration, n.:
	A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
other fellow can spell.
%%
%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
	All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
	it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
	This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
	attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
	Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
%
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
%
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
%
Command, n.:
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%%
%
Commitment, n.:
	Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%%
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
theory.
%%
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
%%
%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%%
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
		-- LaRouchefoucauld
%%
%
Concept, n.:
	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
%%
%
Condense soup, not books!
%%
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
		-- Peter de Vries
%%
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
%%
%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%%
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%%
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
%%
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%%
%
Conversation, n.:
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
is called the listener.
%%
%
Conway's Law:
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
	what is going on.

	This person must be fired.
%%
%
Coronation, n.:
	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Corrupt, adj.:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%%
%
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
is to enforce the law and fight crime.
		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
%%
%
Coward, n.:
	One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%%
%
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
		-- A. E. Newman
%%
%
Critic, n.:
	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Cynic, n.:
	A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Cynic, n.:
	One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
eye.
%%
%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%%
%
Dawn, n.:
	The time when men of reason go to bed.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%%
%
DeVries's Dilemma:
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
	hits the paper.
%%
%
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.  Success is also
easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
improve.
%%
%
Dear Lord:
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
	the other hand", again.
%%
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this
principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
believes that is.
%%
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
	your face.

Gentle Reader:
	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
	your face ...
%%
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%%
%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%%
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
		-- R. Geis
%%
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
%%
%
Decisionmaker, n.:
	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
before the music stopped.
%%
%
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
		   Assoc.
%%
%
Deliberation, n.:
	The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
buttered on.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
%%
%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
		-- Senator Soaper
%%
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%%
%
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
		-- E. B. White
%%
%
Dentist, n.:
	A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Did you know ...

That no-one ever reads these things?
%%
%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."
		-- John Barrymore's dying words
%%
%
Die, v.:
	To stop sinning suddenly.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%%
%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%%
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%%
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%%
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%%
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%%
%
Distress, n.:
	A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%%
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%%
%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%%
%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%%
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
anger.
%%
%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%%
%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%%
%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul
%%
%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%%
%
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%%
%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
%%
%
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%%
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%%
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%%
%
Don:	I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!  Was she
	pretty?
W. C.:	Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
	sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W. C.:	It's almost impossible.
		-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
		   E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
%%
%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%%
%
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
		-- Golda Meir
%%
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%%
%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%%
%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%%
%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
		-- Dave Storer
%%
%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%%
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%%
%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%%
%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%%
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
distance.
%%
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%%
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
%%
%
"Don't say yes until I finish talking."
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%%
%
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
%%
%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%%
%
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"
%%
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
		-- Charles Schultz
%%
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%%
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%%
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%%
%
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
%%
%
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
	of your eyes.
%%
%
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
%%
%
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
route!
%%
%
Ducharme's Precept:
	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%%
%
Ducharm's Axiom:
	If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
	yourself as part of the problem.
%%
%
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together ...
		-- Carl Zwanzig
%%
%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
%%
%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
%%
%
During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%%
%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
		-- W. Somerset Maughm
%%
%
E Pluribus Unix
%%
%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%%
%
/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%%
%
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
		-- Jeff Berner
%%
%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
	Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%%
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
%
Economics, n.:
	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
Galbraith ...
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
%
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
%%
%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
		-- Bellamy Brooks
%%
%
Egotist, n.:
	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Ehrman's Commentary:
	1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
	2.  Who said things would get better?
%%
%
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
		-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
%%
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
		-- C. Degen
%%
%
Eleanor Rigby
	Sits at the keyboard
	And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
	Finding some code
	That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%%
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%%
%
Electrocution, n.:
	Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%%
%
Elevators smell different to midgets
%%
%
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
	Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
	can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
%%
%
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
and tell them your house is being burgled.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%%
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%%
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
		-- Jerome Lettvin
%%
%
Equal bytes for women.
%%
%
Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%%
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
		-- Woody Allen
%%
%
Etymology, n.:
	Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that
were hard for the public to believe.  The term "etymology" was formed
from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
("study of").  It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
		-- Mike Kellen
%%
%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
speak it to?
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
%
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
%
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
%%
%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
%%
%
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman
and stop her.
%%
%
Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):

Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs, and in
front they have fore-legs.  This makes six legs, which is certainly an
odd number of legs for a horse.  But the only number that is both even
and odd is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
legs.  Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
there is a horse that has a finite number of legs.  But that is a horse
of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
color"], that does not exist.
%%
%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%%
%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
%%
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
		-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%%
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
		-- Don Vonada
%%
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%%
%
Every program has two purposes --
written and another for which it wasn't.
%%
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%%
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%%
%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
%%
%
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
%%
%
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
		-- Beckett
%%
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
		-- Dykstra
%%
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%%
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
%%
%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
%%
%
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
%%
%
Everything you know is wrong!
%%
%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%%
%
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
%%
%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
%%
%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%%
%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%%
%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham
%%
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%%
%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%%
%
Expense Accounts, n.:
	Corporate food stamps.
%%
%
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
		-- Olivier
%%
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
		-- F. P. Jones
%%
%
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
%%
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.
%%
%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%%
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%%
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%%
%
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
%%
%
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS		#14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
%%
%
Fairy Tale, n.:
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%%
%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%%
%
Faith, n:
	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
untrue.
%%
%
Fakir, n:
	A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
%%
%
Familiarity breeds attempt
%%
%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
		-- Su Tung-p'o
%%
%
Famous last words:
%%
%
Famous last words:
	1.  Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
	2.  Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
	3.  What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
	4.  We won't need reservations.
	5.  It's always sunny there this time of the year.
	6.  Don't worry, it's not loaded.
	7.  They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%%
%
Famous last words:
	1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
	2) "You and what army?"
	3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
	    a cop."
%%
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%%
%
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
%%
%
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%%
%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
	If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
	If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
	live.
%%
%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do.
%%
%
Finagle's Creed:
	Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
%%
%
Finagle's First Law:
	If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%%
%
Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
	someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
	believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
%
Finagle's Third Law:
	In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
	beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
	1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
	2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
	    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%%
%
Finagle's fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
	makes it worse.
%%
%
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
%%
%
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
%%
%
First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
	wind.
%%
%
First Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
	for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
	imposed the deadline).
%%
%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.
%%
%
First Rule of History:
	History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
	other.
%%
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
	The strip revolved,
	The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%%
%
Flon's Law:
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
	the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
%%
%
Flugg's Law:
	When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
	world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
%%
%
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
%%
%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%%
%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%%
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
		-- R. Clopton
%%
%
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
		   the U.S.
%%
%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%%
%
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?"
		-- Jehan Shuman
%%
%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.
%%
%
Forgetfulness, n.:
	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience.
%%
%
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

		Don't Write On Walls!

		   (and underneath)

		You want I should type?
%%
%
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
	 amounts of fertilization.
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
%%
%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
	except study for that instructor's course.
%%
%
Fourth Law of Revision:
	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
	interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
	you.
%%
%
Fresco's Discovery:
	If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%%
%
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
%%
%
Frisbeetarianism, n.:
	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
gets stuck.
%%
%
Frobnicate, v.:
	To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a
frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
%%
%
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
		-- Swinburne
%%
%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%%
%
Furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
		-- H. H. Williams
%%
%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%%
%
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
%%
%
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while
	you can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy
	praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
	sucker.  A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
	room.
%%
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%%
%
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
%%
%
Garter, n.:
	An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Gauls!  We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
on our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
		-- Adventures of Asterix.
%%
%
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".

	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow ...
	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
Genderplex, n.:
	The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
tortoises).
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
%%
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%%
%
Genius, n.:
	A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
"bright".
%%
%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
%
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
	1.  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
	    direction.
	2.  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
	3.  The energy required to change either one of these states
	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
	    much as to make the task totally impossible.
%%
%
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%%
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%%
%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
	1.  You can't win.
	2.  You can't break even.
	3.  You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

	Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
	meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
	Theorem.  To wit:

	1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
	2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
	    even.
	3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
	    game.
%%
%
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
%%
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%%
%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
%%
%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
%
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
	probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
	some useful work done.
%%
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
%%
%
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
%%
%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
%
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"

	Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
smoking and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and
water is not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in
the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
night!
		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
%%
%
God is Dead
		-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
		-- God
Nietzsche is God
		-- The Dead
%%
%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
%%
%
God is a polythiest
%%
%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%%
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%%
%
God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%%
%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
		-- Alfred Jarry
%%
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%%
%
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
		-- Kronecker
%%
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%%
%
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
%
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
%%
%
God rest ye CS students now,
Let nothing you dismay.
The VAX is down and won't be up,
Until the first of May.
The program that was due this morn,
Won't be postponed, they say.

	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
	Comfort and joy,
	Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

The bearings on the drum are gone,
The disk is wobbling, too.
We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Can't tell false from true.
And now we find that we can't get
At Berkeley's 4.2.

	(chorus)
%%
%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.
%%
%
Gold, n.:
	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
hasn't done anything to them.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
%
Goldenstern's Rules:
	1.  Always hire a rich attorney
	2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
%%
%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
%
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
%%
%
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
%%
%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%%
%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%%
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%%
%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%%
%
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
%%
%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%%
%
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
		-- George Saunders' dying words
%%
%
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
%%
%
Goto, n.:
	A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
		-- Ray Simard
%%
%
Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
Grabel's Law:
	2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
%%
%
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
%%
%
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%%
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%%
%
Gray's Law of Programming:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
	time as `_n' tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
%%
%
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
%%
%
Greener's Law:
	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%%
%
Grelb's Reminder:
	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
	average drivers.
%%
%
"Grub first, then ethics."
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
%
Gyroscope, n.:
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%%
%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
	Those who can -- do.
	Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
	Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%%
%
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
		-- Walt Kelley
%%
%
Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%%
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%%
%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
%%
%
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
%%
%
Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
the the difference between life and death.
	You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
	Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%%
%
Hall's Laws of Politics:
	(1)  The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
	(2)  Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
	     fixed.
	(3)  Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
	     military spending, and conservatives social spending in
	     their own districts).
%%
%
Hand, n.:
	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Hanlon's Razor:
	Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
	stupidity.
%%
%
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
	There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
	before Saturday.
%%
%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
		-- Ogden Nash
%%
%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
		-- Oscar Levant
%%
%
Happiness, n.:
	An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Hardware, n.:
	The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%%
%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
	From "The Thirteen Clocks"
%%
%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
		-- Tom Leher
%%
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
	equipment ruined.
%%
%
Harris's Lament:
	All the good ones are taken.
%%
%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses
probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
have never met any wild horses in person.  In person, they are like
enormous hooved rats.  They amble up to your camp site, and their
attitude is: "We're wild horses.  We're going to eat your food, knock
down your tent and poop on your shoes.  We're protected by federal law,
just like Richard Nixon."
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
%%
%
Hartley's First Law:
	You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
	on his back, you've got something.
%%
%
Hartley's Second Law:
	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%%
%
Harvard Law:
	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%%
%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%%
%
Hatred, n.:
	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
for play?
%%
%
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
%%
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
of ever behaving "normally."
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%%
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
%
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
		-- Mark Twain
%%
%
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%%
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%%
%
He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
%%
%
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes ..."
%%
%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%%
%
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%%
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%%
%
Heaven, n.:
	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Heavy, adj.:
	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
%%
%
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
%%
%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman
%%
%
Heller's Law:
	The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
	Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
	organization.
%%
%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%%
%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%%
%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
%%
%
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
%%
%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
%%
%
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
	I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
	I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
	Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
	With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
	At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
	So I stay at home with a book.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%%
%
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.

carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%%
%
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
%%
%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%%
%
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
%%
%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%%
%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%%
%
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
Hamlet of Elsinore
Ruffled the critics by
Dropping this bomb:
"Phooey on Freud and his
Psychoanalysis --
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
I just loved Mom."
%%
%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%%
%
Hippogriff, n.:
	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
of surprises.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%%
%
"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%%
%
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
%%
%
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
%%
%
Hlade's Law:
	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
	will find an easier way to do it.
%%
%
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
	Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
	out.
%%
%
Hofstadter's Law:
	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
	Hofstadter's Law into account.
%%
%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%%
%
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
%%
%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F. M. Hubbard
%%
%
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
%%
%
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
%%
%
Honorable, adj.:
	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
%
Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%%
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
		-- W. C. Fields
%%
%
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
%%
%
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
%%
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%%
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."
%%
%
How doth the VAX's C compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear their clothes to rags.
%%
%
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
Improve its object code.
And even as we speak does it
Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run
And spit out error flags,
While users, with frustration, all
Tear all their clothes to rags.
%%
%
How doth the little crocodile
	Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
	On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
	How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
	With gently smiling jaws!
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%%
%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
%%
%
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
%%
%
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%%
%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
Dayton?
		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%%
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%%
%
Howe's Law:
	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan
%%
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%%
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929.  Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
Nobel Prize.
%%
%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%%
%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
		-- William Gilbert
%%
%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
	to ..... to ........ uh ..............
%%
%
I am changing my name to Crysler
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
	What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I am changing my name to Chrysler,
I am heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
	I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
%%
%
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering.
		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
%%
%
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
		-- Paul McCracken
%%
%
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%%
%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
		-- English Professor
%%
%
I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
		-- Winston Churchill
%%
%
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
		--English Professor, Ohio University
%%
%
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
%%
%
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%%
%
I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
		-- Will Rogers
%%
%
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
		-- Marvin Minsky
%%
%
I can resist anything but temptation.
%%
%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
		-- Lillian Hellman
%%
%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%%
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
		-- Joe Walsh
%%
%
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%%
%
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
		-- Galileo Galilei
%%
%
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
%
I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
don't believe in astrology.
		-- James R. F. Quirk
%%
%
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
nominating"
		-- Boss Tweed
%%
%
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
%
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
waiting to abuse me.
		--Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%%
%
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%%
%
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
%%
%
I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
%
"I drink to make other people interesting."
		-- George Jean Nathan
%%
%
I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.

Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%%
%
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.

Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%%
%
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
		-- Mae West
%%
%
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
		-- Pete Seeger
%%
%
I hate quotations.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%%
%
I have a simple philosophy:

	Fill what's empty.
	Empty what's full.
	Scratch where it itches.
		-- A. R. Longworth
%%
%
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on 
Some people's n'oeuvres.
		-- Warren Knox
%%
%
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that
I have never made one.
		-- James Gordon Bennett
%%
%
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%%
%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%%
%
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%%
%
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
%%
%
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
%%
%
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
		-- Bill Hoest
%%
%
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
		-- Albert Einstein
%%
%
I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
		-- Art Leo
%%
%
I like work ...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
%%
%
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
%%
%
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
%
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up."
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%%
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
%%
%
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
%%
%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%%
%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob.
		-- William F. Buckley
%%
%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%%
%
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
%%
%
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
%
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
I sent a letter back to say